listen, listen patiently..

i talked to mike today, first time since the first of the month.. he told me to write you a letter. i was considering it and leaving it on your car while you were at work, but i think i'd rather just give it to you in person, that is, if i ever see you again..

SWAN is going pretty good, wrote a new song, and its not bad. whenever i play it though, i think of you, and i don't like that..

we haven't talked for a few days, that's intentional. i think i need to give you space, though it kills me not knowing how you are..

a lot of stuff has happened and gosh, i just want to tell you and you get a laugh, or get your opinion on it..

i am sorry.

i found my heart today, it wasn't where i had thought..

today, in the smallest amount of time that i've been awake, i did something that i told myself i would NEVER do.. i cheated on valerie gorham.. this is the worst decision of my life, and not only did i hurt myself, but i hurt the person i care most about.. i love valerie, i've only known her for a handful of months but she's changed my life and now she's gone.. i deserve whatever is coming for me and i know it won't be good..

i get by with you at my side..

its important to remember to be considerate, i've learned.

we are called to a higher standard.

its my duty to rise above hate and threats and all the stupidity that comes with irrationality. i am a thinker, and i have a conscience.

new crevices..

i don't have time.. but this weekend felt great.

god i thank you for this family, and for this sacrificied bird..

micah reunion, ihop, wal mart, valerie's at 3 AM, thanksgiving, twilight, katie's house pt. 1, black friday, stephen's bike trip dvd, mj's pizza, harmon street, 1 billion strong in tony hawk 4, new hat and shoes, thermals, valtron, faz's, katie's house pt. 2, snow, taking home, going home, thanksgiving break.

and i'm rubbing my eyes to see if i'm awake..

tonight i was inducted into the National Honor Society.. i know its not that big of a deal, but i feel genuinely accomplished because of it. its nice to be shown that i'm bright, rather than just told it.

tomorrow is valerie and i's one month mark of being in a relationship together. its hard to believe that its already been a month, sometimes it seems like a lot longer, and others a lot shorter. she is a wonderful girl, and definitely worth keeping around..

please hold my head above the water.

last night, my favorite band, and i mean favorite, broke up.

they're spitting at the earth, plunder, beg and curse...

tonight, something scary happened between valerie and i..
at the show she didn't talk.. at all, not to anyone. and it was terrible, she feels very uncomfortable around people talking about stuff (music) that she doesn't know anything about. i know that this is just one instance, but i am very worried that the more shows we go to together, the more uncomfortable she'll feel.. and i don't want that, at all.

apart from that, anywhere with you's final performance was tonight, and i had the honor of playing the last three songs. i know the music may seem distasteful or just simply not real, but i realized tonight that playing with my friends and for my friends is what matters, not how the music is or who it appeals to. tonight caleb thanked me for playing those songs and that it felt right and that he was glad i was up there.. that really meant something to me.

saturday will be hard.

i can't front, i'm havin a blast!

tonight i met valerie's younger brothers. i met max (15) a while ago and he and i get along very well. i met jordan (5) christian (7) and noah (10), and they are all very unique. as odd as it sounds, jordan and i connected the most.. haha, something about the simple mind of the kid and my simple mind just clicked. i am happy.

..and i can finally listen to atmosphere again.

i get eaten by the worms, and weird fishes..

Weird Sisters is over, and i couldn't be happier. not because i hated it, i loved it, but because we did so well, and i personally have come SO FAR as an actor. i'm proud of myself, and i'm happy that i grew closer to certain people.

tulo and i went down to indy on friday, after about a month and a half of not being there.. it was weird down there, different.. i hate to say it, but i'm hesitant to go again..

thing are going great with valerie. katie and taylor, the two girls whose opinion matters the most to me, both approve of her and think she is lovely. my grandparents love having her around and they recognize that i am very happy.. hell even tulo thinks she is cool ha...

i need to apply to college, each day it becomes a bigger worry.

never understimate those with something to fight for..

we've won, and i couldn't be more satisfied. as for those of you who discredit mr. obama in anyway, give him a chance, and if you are so bullheaded that you can't handle it, either shut up or take some serious steps for 'real change' in the future.

and its nights like these that i will never forget..

later.

vast open skies could do no harm...

today, i asked valerie gorham to be my girlfriend.. and i couldn't be happier.

things just feel so calm and so okay when we are together, and to think this was all through a match make.. i'm ready for this commitment and for what this holds for me, at first i had my reservations about getting into a relationship my senior year, but with valerie, i feel its okay and i don't worry about the future, more importantly, i don't take the present for granted.

some people call me out about her and stuff, especially my close friends.. they say that i'm just dating her because she is there, but you know thats not true. i'm not that person anymore, this is what i've been looking for.. and i'm happy.

i'm actually.. happy.

how can you walk away? you shouldn't care what i say..

i'm becoming comfortable with the ideals of commitment and what responsibility comes with them.

this autumn weather is taking its effect on me.

i look at the horizon and wonder, "where is my limit?"

tonight we as hollow cities sang for the first time collectively, and it was incredible. at first i was bashful, but after a bit, i got used to it. i felt so connected with the music, we were all one, and as i looked out his garage i saw the sun setting all around me in the distance.. moments like these are why i play music.

also today, valerie met my grandmother, mother, brother, and aunt uncle and baby cousin, she had met my grandpa a few times before. i was very happy about this, i feel good about this girl, and she feels good about me.

is it right to leave?

i am sick and fucking tired of the twilight series being the choice reading selection by nearly every girl i know.

palm trees are my only company..

i love everyone that i was with tonight, even jasmine.

simple as that.

take all you can, they're clearing me out..

this weekend was wonderful, and a great way to end the nine weeks. friday i spent with valerie at her homecoming.. that girl REALLY means a lot to me, and i think that is pretty significant, however scared i may be.  after that, i went to biggens's bonfire.. too many people there, but it evened out and it was a fun night, ended up at bill's and i experienced Eye for an Eye, and both Thom Yorke and Bjork on Space Goast.  saturday was a pretty standard day, went home and then went to muncie with tulo to tyler's house.  fun time, but i had to split.. i feel bad that i didn't go to indy this weekend, but it just wasn't in the cards for me.  after that, i went to shelby harney's house for a get together. unfortunately we got cut short because of a very belligerent kid, and his mother's very empty threat.  ended up at biggs's again, slept for a LONG time.  then today i went to 1812 with biggs, nick, sergio, and josh feurstein.  i purchased glorious cigars, and realized just how creepy boy scout leaders were.

all in all, a good time.  i really am connecting with my classmates, and i love it.. its more than i could have ever asked for this senior year to bring me.

oh the clever words on pages spread..

well, tomorrow wraps up the first quarter of my senior year, and what a nine weeks it has been.  things this year have changed for me, i am accepted, and for the most part.. genuinely liked.  these days i walk the halls with a smile on my face and my head up as high as it can get with such a heavy back pack.  i'm having a blast in the school play, and i'm becoming close to people who i think have needed it from me and vice versa.  for the record, miranda fuchs is a wonderful girl, and though she may seemd a bit dense and silly at first, the kid has a good heart, and i'm glad that i get to spend time along side her in the play.  with only twenty seven weeks left of high school, i am excited to see whats to come.

< / cliche >

this is where i want to be..

its one month until history is made. on election day, wonderful things will be happening, and regardless who you're for, the most important thing you can do on november 4th, 2008, is vote.

you'll be free, child, once you have died..

this phone call means something.  this is what He has been planning for me.. i'd be a complete fool to ignore this.

don't we look great in father's beard?

i am truly and utterly fascinated by a girl by the name chloe shallenberger, born just a day after me.

anchors away..

You say you're looking for a sign, but, baby, all you'll see is time fly by. All the wasted moments we have missed can be summed up with just one kiss, if you'd only let me in. I'm all wrapped up in clocks and maps. Time and distance: when you'll stop and where I'm at. I've been chasing you for way too long. Though my legs are weary, my heart is strong. And I don't think that you'll be gone long. That hole in your heart is getting harder to ignore. Do you think that the western states will have what you're looking for? I'm getting close. Anchors aweigh! But my broken heart won't convince you to stay. I will bury it deep inside my chest with all the things I never said and watch you walk away. That hole in your heart is getting harder to ignore. Do you think that the eastern states will have what you're looking for? Anchors aweigh! I'm begging you to stay anchors away. 

thank godddd.

breaking the habit tonight..

you're right, it is easy to fall into old patterns, but its even easier to forget the wrong that the person has done to you.

you KNOW she is no good, you KNOW she will treat you wrong, and you KNOW she lies to you.

stop being like me, and continue having sense.

i've got nothing to hide..

so why do you?

i simply don't understand why people hide things.  personally, not one bit of my life i keep a secret, there is no need to.. but i'm finding that even my closest friends are keeping things from me, and everyone else.  there is no need for it.. it really only causes rifts in a friendship.  ah well.

i'll drain these blue hands, to match my green face..

this ones about regret.

ever since i can remember, i always went by the motto "live your life with no regrets," and i did.  i feel that having regrets is dwelling on the past, and in order to live in a happy and doubtless present time, you have to capture the profound moment, and then move on from it. 

the singular thing that i regret is what happened with alissa.. part of its me being selfish, and well, a teenager.  she was the first girl i was with after helen, it just happened so fast, and i just felt shell-shocked after it.  also though, the fact that we can't be friends and that i am seen as a bad person by people gets to me the most. i'm not, i just made a mistake, and i know that there isn't anything i can do to change that opinion of me. 

this is all very random, but its something i had to get off my chest.

don't you remember?

i think this weekend has taught me a lot about tolerance.  i've spent the past six or so months being an asshole to everyone and getting annoyed by peoples' ways and all that, but then last night after about my sixth cheese fry from steak n shake, i came upon the realization that i should just be tolerant of others. and with that, i need to try not judge (everyone judges, though you say you don't or make an excuse for it, you do).  i guess i'm tired of having people mad at me, my mean demeanor has always been a joke, but this joke isn't funny anymore.

the drummer boy is drumming, and all you feel is fear..

tonight was a wonderful night, and i suppose in my bucket list, i complete one of the goals.  seeing prayer breakfast was absolutely incredible, their music just has a special place in my heart and seeing it performed by some of my favorite musicians topped off the cake.  now i'm in indy, like most weekends, and i love it.

oh dear, its been hardly three days and i'm longing to feel your embrace...

good feelings all around the room.

i'm happy, she is happy. this is exactly what i've been searching so hard for, and the best part is that i didn't search for her.

you dance inside my chest where no on sees you, but sometimes i see you

this is about being different.  i am different. i didn't truly absorb that statement until tonight, when a very lovely girl told me i was different from any other boy she had ever met. but i've heard it before, from mike especially.  he says that i'm an old soul, and that i think through things backwards in my mind before making a decision, and its true.  its how i am, how i will always be, and its the only way i know how to be.  

red light's coming, a marching you can't here..

i'm slipping behind greatly in my school work.. i need to do something about this...

do you remember?

tonight was a great night, tons of laughs at the show and outrageous comments, then the ultimate recap of all things funny between katie, taylor, tulo and i at steak n shake.

last night i said something scary, but it may turn out to be good... 

things have changed for me..

..and thats okay, i feel the same, i'm on my way..

you are too much for me to even want to handle.

OUT with the old!

IN with the new!

allow me to exaggerate a memory or two..

you are adorable, simply adorable.  you make me smile, and i don't even care about that anymore.

i'm oddly happy considering the situation.  its the weather.

i hope its affecting you in the same way.

i was swimming through the waves, for what must have been days! but could find no relief..

today, my grandma and i went to a joint therapy session with my counselor, mike, and hers, cheryl.  it was great, a lot of stuff that has been bothering me with us was brought to the front, and the same with her.  i feel a lot better about stuff, and with them, i think she will be able to understand where i am coming from more.  

rodeo played great tonight, they felt a lot more real tonight, maybe because it was at harmon street, but i dunno, i felt like we were all connected with the music and everyone was having a great time..

i'm here for you, but i won't let you keep saying the same things and thinking the same things, that repetition is insanity, you HAVE to overcome this, and i know before i told you to take your time.. but at this point its becoming harder and harder for all of us to deal with.. especially you.

out with the hot, out with my bad mood.

yesterday and today simply rejuvenated me, the feeling of autumn is here, and i couldn't be more appreciative of it.  i love this season, everything goes right during this time, and i'm ready.. i'm hopeful for anything, and i just feel love.

in their defense, they don't refuse..

your ill-weathered words are discouraging. stop saying there aren't any good boys out there, and please stop saying you are tired of them. don't let one bad experience with one boy ruin your outlook on others, it makes me feel like there is no hope at all. don't take me for granted.



don't take me for granted.

when will these barricades fall?

we all put up barricades, all form some superficial barricades for protection against the most gentle of things, and sometimes the most harmful of things too.  lately, i've been letting those barricades fall, being vulnerable, and though it may hurt at first, in the long run its making me a better person altogether.  hows your faith been lately?  mine has been compromised, and there is no denying that.  its starting to take its toll on me, hell, today even my spanish teacher noticed something was wrong, he said that i looked like i was at a funeral.  i'm not sad, not at all, i'm happy with the change that i'm going through; its just that i'm unfulfilled. i remember at the end of last school year, i felt a calling to a higher standard, but unfortunately, the summer came and i lost sight of that and ended up in a huge rut.  i'll keep praying to realize this calling, and who knows how long it will take to hear my answer, but i have the patience to wait.

i can't make any sense of these words that are in reverse

i've been wrong before you know.

i felt heaven yesterday, i swear it.  

i'm not gonna waste these words about a girl..

i'm done, i'm giving up. i'm tired of arguing and worrying and being treated with a second-hand. i hope you can clear your mind of confusion, i now know that i can't make you, and i'm too worn out at this point to even try.

..i've been singin' all my songs to you.

i'm not gonna let things get me down anymore, i'm not gonna be so fucking pessimistic about this anymore. i'm going on arms up, and i'm going to be there for you. your happiness matters to me most, i'm not going to be selfish about it anymore. i care about you and you know that, i'm hanging in there, whether it be for me, or for you.

not much chance for survival..

it felt weird not to be spending time with you last night, i just felt empty.. but its okay, i'm glad you had a fun time last night, and Tulo and i had fun too.  today i'm getting whatever piercing, and i really hope you like it.. if not then i might take it out.. but anyway, i hope to see you later on today!

sit me down, shut me up, i'll calm down, and i'll get along with you...

we played amazingly tonight, looking up and seeing you smiling and dancing in the crowd made my night. i like you.

rehearsed indifference tossed aside,

today was wonderful, i LOVE performing, more than any other action that i can do. the guys and girl from boston were just awesome, though the music was different from what i'm used to, i still really enjoyed it. i feel like we made some friends, and i'm so happy that we finally got to bring anywhere with you the life its long deserved.

today, when you sat next to me on the couch, i got butterflies, and i liked it.. i'm enjoying everyday with you, and i guess just about the biggest judge will be my hairstylist, she ALWAYS knows when someone is right or wrong.

i insist that i'll be dearly missed!

practice today was AWESOME, seriously, the show tomorrow has a lot of potential, and i hope that we all can meet that. today was also the first school day that i haven't spent with skip after school, and needless to say, i felt off center. i really do enjoy our time together, and she comforts me. i'm starting to feel older, i really am. today jazzmin was being lazy and her excuse for it was "we're seniors!" and i know this, but it hit me, i really AM an adult, and i really AM almost done with high school. i'm not scared to move on, i just feel like i should have more time enjoying my youth rather than fretting about it. another shock was the fact that most freshmen were born in 1994. i was four years old at this point, also, i took driver's ed. in august of 2005.. i feel the heartburn and arthritis setting in.

a million miles closer, however far away!

a year ago today, Hindenburg & Mathias ended its life. a year ago tomorrow, i began to smoke cigarettes. its funny how so much time has passed, and how much i've changed. i miss the band, but i would never want to bring it back or anything like that. surprisingly, i haven't much to say on the matter.

today, skip and i went to our first day of yoga, and it was absolutely wonderful, not only was it an awesome physical work out, but also an intense spiritual one, focusing your energy into one place is not something people often do, but it is something great, and i can't wait to continue on with the class.

so many unanswered questions with that girl, i love it though, she told me to go with the flow, and i suppose i can give that a try.. i'm a worrier by nature, and my anxiety problem is at an all time high with this, except for the time i spend with her, which luckily, is a lot. i'm hanging in there.

i saw you run outside, I saw the fruit you ate..

today was tulo's birthday, as well as the first time i've attended church in nearly seven months. it was wonderful, i just kept praying and praying about this situation, i think i have come to peace with it as well, and along with bill's advice, i just have to take things slowly, and don't jump in head first for anything.

oh, and if you haven't heard, FIRS.

you never notice..

today i had a realization about you. i feel like you don't care about anyone but yourself, and you only use people, especially me, for your own benefit. i feel like you don't have any passion, i feel like you are living for today, and not for the future. i hate to sound like i'm holding it against you, but your lack of faith really gets to me, and i think thats why you are so pessimistic about life. i care about you, and you know it. don't let the shallowness and selfishness of others blind the love that some have for you. i wanna talk about this in person, we have a lot of things to talk about.

i always said i could see, so now i'm going blind..

this one's to you, and you know it sweetheart. every day, i look forward to seeing you right before last period, and as i walk down the hallway, approaching you, my body warms. walking with you to my car, having that first cigarette of the out-of-school day, i love it. i feel great, almost privileged to be able to spend so much time with you. i notice the little things, the ring on your left hand which you put just on the edge of the seat. its so close, and i'd love to hold it someday, not soon, but definitely someday. i hate to be a sneak, but i steal looks at you all the time, and moments when our eyes actually meet during those times, i feel up to no good. i love making you smile, your little lips open up and your equally little teeth shine through. i love your freckles, and how they run all up and down your arms, and even around your nose. i was nervous at ballard, to talk to your mother, but what you told me she said about me comforts me greatly. i feel as though we can talk about anything and not pass judgment on each other, having a therapist is a touchy subject for me, i don't want to seem crazy or anything, but you seem to accept that, thank you. i know we don't talk about where this is going, but i'm enjoying the path to it. i'm willing to wait, and i will wait as long as it takes.

i'll be there to comfort you..

..at ALL costs.

i look into the reflection of those eyes, looking back at me

its days like these that i don't take for granted. i think that all too often we take things for granted, and i feel like today, the blessings i have really shone through. playing bass is one of the best things i can do, entertaining people, and in this case, bringing some of my good friends' hard work to life is so rewarding. i started reading blue like jazz today, finally.. and i frankly don't think i had the right mind to really saturate it before now. everything happens for a reason, and it happens at exactly at the time it needs to happen. on the way to rudy's house, we talked about waiting and how the rewards of it are far better than the pain of the waiting itself, and that hit me hard. this uncertainty i have now is great, the lack of concrete knowledge and understanding is something new, and everyday, it becomes clearer and more blurred at the same time.

god is love and love is real... but thats not all..

don't get me wrong, i love to think of my lord as a happy-go-lucky grandfather type who hands out candy and hugs and high fives and is just dandy and just waits to grant forgiveness; but the truth is, there is more to our lord than that. all the time we hear "god is love! he loves you, and is always there for you and will give you forgiveness!" while this is true, i think it leads many people to believe that they can sin and sin and sin again and then be forgiven through their nightly prayers. HOWEVER, there was a time when people were god-fearing, as well as god-loving. i feel as though that has been pushed to the wayside. there is a wrath of god, lest we forget, he HAS brought fire and brimstone, and so many people overlook that. i feel as though god's love has become a copout and a way for sinning to be okay.. i feel there needs to be a conscious effort not to sin not only to just model ourselves after god's love, but to respect our father and 'keep good in the hood,' so to speak.

things are shaping up to be pretty odd.

today, i experienced one of the hardest things that i have ever had to deal with in my life, and that is saying goodbye.. today, micah moved to california, and though i am happy for him.. i will miss him. since the beginning of summer when a surprise text from him led him to live with me for the following two and a half months, micah has become a brother to me. i love him, and everyday without him will be harder. i cried when i had to say goodbye, but i tried to stop as to not look like a wimp in front of skip, but it really didn't matter to me. micah andrew harshaw, you mean the world to me. i will see you soon.

this feeling just keeps repeating, i know its got a hold on me..

essentially, this time of my life comes all too often.. but i lead myself to believe that it is different, and it may just be. usually when this feeling takes over, i end up courting then dating said apple of my eye. never, ever, have i felt this way about such a close friend, its bizarre and probably very awkward, but its true. and after two half-drunken nights which resulted in some of the most level-headed thinking i've had in these 18 years, i think we can be okay with this. i don't want to try to hard, but i can't hold back from trying at all...


more on this later i suppose.

righting my wrongs,

one word at a time.

you gotta raise your voice sometimes to get things done..

very recently i made a trip to ohio, a needed break, a breather.. it was all that i expected to be and more, maintaining friendships with people you see only a few times a year is a hard thing to do, but making the effort to see them has its rewards. not to say my life here is bad, but sometimes, more often than not recently, i feel out of place. whether it be my lack of passion for drugs, or my lack of passion for anything more than a girl to have a one night stand with. i'll be eighteen on thursday, and i couldn't be more excited, its not a big deal, but it is you know..

i feel lost.. you said that you were a rock.

after nearly five months.. i am alone again.

i feel empty, i feel scared, and i feel uncertain.

but, these past five months were the greatest, and most certainly not a waste.


i'm sorry i didn't know about your ankle..

have i been here before?

where have i been with God? since december, my walk with him has more or less come to a complete stop, from that time up until just last saturday, i have smoked more weed and drank more alcohol and been to more parties than i had ever before, and whats even worse.. without a conscience. i have treated everyone i know and care about with hate and coldness, and hurt them in many ways.. i smoke cigarettes now, and whats worse than the fact that i can't stop, is the fact that i don't want to.. before, in the summer i was so close with him, i could feel the fire inside of being uplifted by the holy spirit, and now the best i can do is yearn for that.. i'm not living the life i want to be living.. nothing is as good to me as it was.

i need to get back on the path with the Lord, and i need to turn my life around.. i have stopped the partying, but how short lived will that be? i honestly have no idea.. my life isn't what it should be, but i can't get back on the right path with anything, not just my faith, alone.

i need help, but i am far too prideful to ask anyone for it.. if you can help me, please, please do..

katie

i'm at a loss with this situation... i can't let this friendship go down the drain.."

i wrote those words so, so, so long ago.. i hoped that by now they wouldn't hold true..

things have changed so much since last year... at this time, katie and i had our problems, but were still close, still best friends... and noah and i were on the road to being brothers.. but then all of a sudden, it all wore off. noah has caleb, katie had taylor, and now things are different. i had a hard time accepting this as i was usually the one with the shit end of the stick. not to say i didn't start a lot of crap, and not to say that i didn't do some terrible things in defense too.

i'm just lost... she still has so much hurt from things said long ago, and i don't think she can get over it. i don't know, maybe i get over things too easily.. but this has just stumped me.


i know i'm to blame, but you are too.

here we are, here and now.

today helen arth and i decided to be together.