so i just had a talk with my grandmother about high school..
basically it was that i'm having trouble doing my work outside of school, and its a HUGE deal.. and i am going to have to do it tonight, or fail.
as we continued talking, i realized two things; one is that i have two lives: my actual one, and the one which happens five days a week in seven and a half hour increments inside of marion high school, and the other is that i am extremely disheartened by my high school life.
my life outside of high school is wonderful, i have wonderful friends and i am truly happy. i feel like this life that i am leading is making a difference, and that i know i am someone special. i've been through a lot in the past four years, and especially in 2008. i'm so different from the person i was in the fall of 2005 when i started high school, and a lot of people have noticed that and have changed as well in this life.
but in high school, i am treated the same, i feel as though my individuality is stripped away, and i'm just part of a whole. its not a problem with my peers at all, and i have no problems with any student at all. i guess i've grown used to the ridiculousness of my fellow students, and i appreciate it. but the employees there, especially the faculty, don't care. my teachers seem to appreciate me, some more than others, but most care about me, if not for the fact that they don't want me to fail. but the administration, the workers in the main office, the assistant principal's, and hell even mr. kirby, could give a shit less about me. all day everyday, the only interaction between the faculty and students is being told to get to class, no matter who you are or what you are doing or what your goals are in life, it doesn't matter. they treat mostly everyone equally in that sense, but we are treated without respect. i am treated as a stranger by some administrators that i have known, or at least interacted with for the past three and a half years.
frankly, i'm sick of it.. its so hard for me to keep my head up in school, and i find myself never wanting to be there. i've changed so much since i started there, and none of these people care.
its like i came to marion high school and left without leaving an impact, and that's not to say i didn't try.
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3 comments:
i know exactly how you feel. i think once you know you're too old for high school is when you just want to be respected by the adults and the respect of the other kids kind of comes second. you want to be taken seriously. i find myself getting so pissed off about the little things like having to ask to go to the bathroom and getting repremanded during every passing period between every class. i am eighteen years old, i should be able to make my own decisions. my dad told me you were kind of upset earlier. i hope you are alright. he really really cares about you. and so do i.
you make an excellent point in this blog. I have known Mrs. Blossom since I was in the 4th grade--the year before I moved to Marion. I attended a summer "camp" with her as my counselor and everything, yet somehow she still doesn't even know my name.
I know I probably don't make much of an impact on my peers and that, in 10 years or even 5, no one will even remember who Tammy Hall was...
but considering that I was an exceptional teachers' pet throughout elementary and middle school, I would hope that I could at least make a teacher or school official remember who I am. But they would actually have to care for this to be able to happen. And as you said, they really don't care.
It gets better man...it gets so much better. I'm having the absolute time of my life...and what's more, i think i know who i am better now than i ever did walking through the halls of my high school. granted i don't think EHS is/was quite as bad as MHS, i understand the similarities
i hope all is well
and the next time you're in fort wayne...fucking call me. i'm dead serious. i have an apartment here. it's awesome. come chill with me sometime.
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