we’ve been digging through the dark in the cold with nothing to show for it

what is going on these days? the craziest of things have been happening. and with each new incident things get weirder and weirder. thats about all i can say about that i guess.

i've got this feeling again, and i haven't felt it in a while. i don't know if it was the nice weather or the lyrics i read a few days back, but i once again feel loved. i am opening up my heart again, something i should have never stopped.

what am i doing?

i've been bracing myself for years and now that i'm about to hit the water, i don't feel at all like i should.. i've got a lot of things to fix. i just need to get my head out of the clouds and do them. i'm not gonna fuck up now, when i should be coasting anyway.

i'd be content with leaving a mark.

and don't be surprised..

i enjoyed having braids. however i am no g.

I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy where I was.. what is life without a purpose? what is purpose without love?

haircut, girlfriend, job, money, mondays.


no need.

i realized i wasn't made for these times.

recently i guess my view on you and your friends has changed. i used to think you led this wonderful life and were always doing these incredible 'indie' things and that what you have with your boyfriend was so pure and true... but after meeting you, i realize that you aren't any of those things. you're just.. ordinary, and not even necessarily someone that i should be so intrigued with becoming friends. i now see that this "love" you have with this guy is false and that you are only still with him because you fear change. furthermore, you aren't confident, you have low self-esteem and are often unsure of things. i'm disappointed in myself for thinking you different, its not your fault at all, i shouldn't have put you on such a pedestal. and your friends, they insincere and backstabbing, not loyal and appreciative, and i imagine you are the same..

she sang as she potted plants.. thinking things and making plans.

well i had an eventful weekend, and it was nice for the most part..

friday, ally and i traveled to newport, ky to see enlou make their return and pomegranates play their cd release show. unfortunately, we got stuck in a hour and a half long traffic jam on i-74 and missed enlou by only fifteen minutes. fortunately though, i got to talk to curt and drew, though i didn't meet their new drummer and only saw ben once. i think that tulo and i are going to try and go there over spring break, at least i hope so. ally and i ended up driving home that night, but not after an hour of getting the GPS out of my broken glove compartment.. we got back at about 5:30 am and just hit the sack.

saturday, i woke up pretty late, and ally went home. then i picked up noah and bill and we met up with tulo at the new store, S.M. Okes aha. i ended up buying some top tobacco and rolling tubes and i've been rolling my own cigarettes again. tulo bought some garcia vega senators and we smoked them at the park. after that, we went back to my house and met up with jack and skyler. we dicked around for a bit and then headed to liz's for her annual birthday party. it was a great time, everyone was there and we were all happy and having a good time. we left at about 1:30 and i crashed, for obvious reasons.

today, tulo and i met up with kyndra and emily (mcdonald) and went to beech grove high school to watch dancer's edge, more specifically jazzmin, compete. they were seriously awesome, they just have this wow factor that no other studio can bring.. i thought that it was just that way at the big recital, but today i realized that DE makes it happen anywhere they go aha. after watching the competition for a few hours we went to coldstone in greenwood to visit chlz/not get free ice cream. it was good to see her, and kara as well.. on the way there and home, we got on the subject of caleb. kyndra asked us if he was a good boyfriend, and tulo and i told the truth, what we had heard from his ex's and what we had observed. unfortunately, it wasn't all good. naturally, kyndra told caleb what we said and it hurt him.. i believe that he is quitting SWAN.. i hope that i can talk to him and change his mind about all of that.

on the way home, katie text messaged me, angrily, and let me know that i've been a bad friend; which i would say is true. i hate to say that people take sides when a couple breaks up, but its true and i feel badly because katie and i have had one hell of a friendship and i haven't been supportive at all to her. i hope that as time passes, things will go back to normal.

well i am a bird and you are a fish, and we will fly and we will float..

its been a bit but that's okay, i've found that its useless to write about small things that happen everyday, and more importantly my immediate reaction to them; and that allowing myself to reflect upon certain situations and then write about it is best.

things with ally are wonderful.. she is really something special and every time we are together we just have fun, its very simple and i wouldn't have it any other way.

on the other hand, victoria and i barely speak anymore.. and its killing me. she is honestly a sister to me, and though i know she's been going through a TON (even more than usual), it still hurts not to speak to her.. i hope that soon things will change, and i have a feeling that they will for the better.

the other day i think i can say that i had a bit of an awakening. i was in mission mart buying suitcases (forty-nine cents a piece, hellz yeah), and i saw their prayer list.. it hit me hard because names of people i know were on there, including v's brother, and i guess i realized that i'm taking things for granted. i've been very good recently, and i think that the idea that life is supposed to be that way started to take over.. i've been praying recently, something that i hadn't done on a regular basis in months.

i was thinking the other day, and SO MUCH has changed from three months ago when i was with valerie, a world of change in fact. i talked to her sister today because its her birthday, and she wondered where i went and i really couldn't give a good answer. not to say that i'm not content with whats happened in the past three months, i suppose it just snuck up on me.

i wasn't happy. i wasn't happy where i was..

i am grand.. i really am.

..they say they like the way we feel when we get touched.

last night was amazing.

later on about this when i have a picture or two to show for it.

this place feels so surreal.. am I alive?

i'm working hard, and i love it.

..where is my limit

well i got to see all the day holiday tonight, and it was truly wonderful.. i missed those dudes a lot, and seeing them and their bright faces and seeing all the success that they have been having is awesome. i always somehow forget how good it feels to see them live, its a feeling like none other, and i will forever love them for that..

it was also very good to see michelle, i hadn't seen her since halloween, she is an instant mood lifter, and though i got home past midnight, it was a very good decision to attend.

is depression, or satan telling lies?

today i missed school again, and i went to see the nurse practitioner, not the doctor, and got a few things. the most painful was a shot, and the rest was some medicine and a shitty disclaimer about the dangers of being an asthmatic that smokes. it didn't phase me much, i don't want to quit.. but i DO need to cut down.

tomorrow i get to see all the day holiday yet again, its been quite some time.. and i miss those dudes, especially mark.

tulez and i really need to go visit everyone in cinci soon.

i've lost hope that we may find a calm..

so ally and i broke up, which was expected, and i think where we are now, which is coexisting as good friends is working out really well.

SWAN played their first show saturday, pretty much on a whim.. i met some sweet people there and i hope to play around there again. oh and, new song up.

i'm sick. every year i somehow contract an upper respiratory infection, and its going on now.. i hate being sick and missing school when i'm sick is even worse. not being able to breathe well at all is terrible and i just want this voodoo out of my body!


things change, people change, i guess i gotta take it in stride..

how tall are you again?

SWAN has finished their EP.

consciousness, sometimes silence is all I need..

i lied, i AM happy.

this is the action of growing up, growing older, growing old

so SWAN put up our first finished song from the EP on myspace, and the response has been wonderful. i personally have a deep connection with that song, somehow when i play it, i just feel connected, everything just makes sense with it. our first show is the 16th of february and i think it will be pretty good.

today mike told me that my biggest problem is that i try and make people see problems and things like that the way i do, and i can't, he is like that too. he's very right in this assessment, and i guess one day i'll learn how to utilize it.

--

time to be straightforward, i'm not going to hide stuff at all because i know you'll read this dude. i don't support you with valerie, and i'm not going to. i don't wanna hear some bullshit about me being happy, i'm not fucking happy.

to feel that again..

just then when i thought i was making sense,
just then when you showed me it takes more than breath to live...

i am only truly happy when i am playing guitar. any other time, i am but decent.

and thats the way it should be.

does it rain in the winter?

have you ever had something completely unexpected come out of seemingly nothing at all? well before this week, i hadn't. in short, i'm dating allison, micah's ex-girlfriend. though we started dating solely as a retort, i'm actually starting to like her, and vice versa. she is a fragile girl, and i think a lot of people don 't see that. she is a react-er, everything that people do or say to her affects (effects?) her deeply. i feel as though she is the type of person i need these days.

SWAN is going awesome, apart from the music itself, the dynamic of the five of us as friends is wonderful, we can all hang out and get along and soon go through these wonderful experiences of playing in a band, and i can not wait.

today, an idea struck me. though i love playing guitar in SWAN, i miss playing bass. not necesarily in a band with a set of songs and all that, but jamming, creating music as it goes, not replaying something created once. SO, i am going to attempt to get a bunch of my friends from all over together every wednesday in my basement to make music, on any instrument, of any type, and i hope it will be wonderful. yes, i did make a facebook group for it.

i will walk with pride.

so i just had a talk with my grandmother about high school..

basically it was that i'm having trouble doing my work outside of school, and its a HUGE deal.. and i am going to have to do it tonight, or fail.

as we continued talking, i realized two things; one is that i have two lives: my actual one, and the one which happens five days a week in seven and a half hour increments inside of marion high school, and the other is that i am extremely disheartened by my high school life.

my life outside of high school is wonderful, i have wonderful friends and i am truly happy. i feel like this life that i am leading is making a difference, and that i know i am someone special. i've been through a lot in the past four years, and especially in 2008. i'm so different from the person i was in the fall of 2005 when i started high school, and a lot of people have noticed that and have changed as well in this life.

but in high school, i am treated the same, i feel as though my individuality is stripped away, and i'm just part of a whole. its not a problem with my peers at all, and i have no problems with any student at all. i guess i've grown used to the ridiculousness of my fellow students, and i appreciate it. but the employees there, especially the faculty, don't care. my teachers seem to appreciate me, some more than others, but most care about me, if not for the fact that they don't want me to fail. but the administration, the workers in the main office, the assistant principal's, and hell even mr. kirby, could give a shit less about me. all day everyday, the only interaction between the faculty and students is being told to get to class, no matter who you are or what you are doing or what your goals are in life, it doesn't matter. they treat mostly everyone equally in that sense, but we are treated without respect. i am treated as a stranger by some administrators that i have known, or at least interacted with for the past three and a half years.

frankly, i'm sick of it.. its so hard for me to keep my head up in school, and i find myself never wanting to be there. i've changed so much since i started there, and none of these people care.

its like i came to marion high school and left without leaving an impact, and that's not to say i didn't try.