we’ve been digging through the dark in the cold with nothing to show for it

what is going on these days? the craziest of things have been happening. and with each new incident things get weirder and weirder. thats about all i can say about that i guess.

i've got this feeling again, and i haven't felt it in a while. i don't know if it was the nice weather or the lyrics i read a few days back, but i once again feel loved. i am opening up my heart again, something i should have never stopped.

what am i doing?

i've been bracing myself for years and now that i'm about to hit the water, i don't feel at all like i should.. i've got a lot of things to fix. i just need to get my head out of the clouds and do them. i'm not gonna fuck up now, when i should be coasting anyway.

i'd be content with leaving a mark.

and don't be surprised..

i enjoyed having braids. however i am no g.

I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy where I was.. what is life without a purpose? what is purpose without love?

haircut, girlfriend, job, money, mondays.


no need.

i realized i wasn't made for these times.

recently i guess my view on you and your friends has changed. i used to think you led this wonderful life and were always doing these incredible 'indie' things and that what you have with your boyfriend was so pure and true... but after meeting you, i realize that you aren't any of those things. you're just.. ordinary, and not even necessarily someone that i should be so intrigued with becoming friends. i now see that this "love" you have with this guy is false and that you are only still with him because you fear change. furthermore, you aren't confident, you have low self-esteem and are often unsure of things. i'm disappointed in myself for thinking you different, its not your fault at all, i shouldn't have put you on such a pedestal. and your friends, they insincere and backstabbing, not loyal and appreciative, and i imagine you are the same..

she sang as she potted plants.. thinking things and making plans.

well i had an eventful weekend, and it was nice for the most part..

friday, ally and i traveled to newport, ky to see enlou make their return and pomegranates play their cd release show. unfortunately, we got stuck in a hour and a half long traffic jam on i-74 and missed enlou by only fifteen minutes. fortunately though, i got to talk to curt and drew, though i didn't meet their new drummer and only saw ben once. i think that tulo and i are going to try and go there over spring break, at least i hope so. ally and i ended up driving home that night, but not after an hour of getting the GPS out of my broken glove compartment.. we got back at about 5:30 am and just hit the sack.

saturday, i woke up pretty late, and ally went home. then i picked up noah and bill and we met up with tulo at the new store, S.M. Okes aha. i ended up buying some top tobacco and rolling tubes and i've been rolling my own cigarettes again. tulo bought some garcia vega senators and we smoked them at the park. after that, we went back to my house and met up with jack and skyler. we dicked around for a bit and then headed to liz's for her annual birthday party. it was a great time, everyone was there and we were all happy and having a good time. we left at about 1:30 and i crashed, for obvious reasons.

today, tulo and i met up with kyndra and emily (mcdonald) and went to beech grove high school to watch dancer's edge, more specifically jazzmin, compete. they were seriously awesome, they just have this wow factor that no other studio can bring.. i thought that it was just that way at the big recital, but today i realized that DE makes it happen anywhere they go aha. after watching the competition for a few hours we went to coldstone in greenwood to visit chlz/not get free ice cream. it was good to see her, and kara as well.. on the way there and home, we got on the subject of caleb. kyndra asked us if he was a good boyfriend, and tulo and i told the truth, what we had heard from his ex's and what we had observed. unfortunately, it wasn't all good. naturally, kyndra told caleb what we said and it hurt him.. i believe that he is quitting SWAN.. i hope that i can talk to him and change his mind about all of that.

on the way home, katie text messaged me, angrily, and let me know that i've been a bad friend; which i would say is true. i hate to say that people take sides when a couple breaks up, but its true and i feel badly because katie and i have had one hell of a friendship and i haven't been supportive at all to her. i hope that as time passes, things will go back to normal.

well i am a bird and you are a fish, and we will fly and we will float..

its been a bit but that's okay, i've found that its useless to write about small things that happen everyday, and more importantly my immediate reaction to them; and that allowing myself to reflect upon certain situations and then write about it is best.

things with ally are wonderful.. she is really something special and every time we are together we just have fun, its very simple and i wouldn't have it any other way.

on the other hand, victoria and i barely speak anymore.. and its killing me. she is honestly a sister to me, and though i know she's been going through a TON (even more than usual), it still hurts not to speak to her.. i hope that soon things will change, and i have a feeling that they will for the better.

the other day i think i can say that i had a bit of an awakening. i was in mission mart buying suitcases (forty-nine cents a piece, hellz yeah), and i saw their prayer list.. it hit me hard because names of people i know were on there, including v's brother, and i guess i realized that i'm taking things for granted. i've been very good recently, and i think that the idea that life is supposed to be that way started to take over.. i've been praying recently, something that i hadn't done on a regular basis in months.

i was thinking the other day, and SO MUCH has changed from three months ago when i was with valerie, a world of change in fact. i talked to her sister today because its her birthday, and she wondered where i went and i really couldn't give a good answer. not to say that i'm not content with whats happened in the past three months, i suppose it just snuck up on me.