how tall are you again?

SWAN has finished their EP.

consciousness, sometimes silence is all I need..

i lied, i AM happy.

this is the action of growing up, growing older, growing old

so SWAN put up our first finished song from the EP on myspace, and the response has been wonderful. i personally have a deep connection with that song, somehow when i play it, i just feel connected, everything just makes sense with it. our first show is the 16th of february and i think it will be pretty good.

today mike told me that my biggest problem is that i try and make people see problems and things like that the way i do, and i can't, he is like that too. he's very right in this assessment, and i guess one day i'll learn how to utilize it.

--

time to be straightforward, i'm not going to hide stuff at all because i know you'll read this dude. i don't support you with valerie, and i'm not going to. i don't wanna hear some bullshit about me being happy, i'm not fucking happy.

to feel that again..

just then when i thought i was making sense,
just then when you showed me it takes more than breath to live...

i am only truly happy when i am playing guitar. any other time, i am but decent.

and thats the way it should be.

does it rain in the winter?

have you ever had something completely unexpected come out of seemingly nothing at all? well before this week, i hadn't. in short, i'm dating allison, micah's ex-girlfriend. though we started dating solely as a retort, i'm actually starting to like her, and vice versa. she is a fragile girl, and i think a lot of people don 't see that. she is a react-er, everything that people do or say to her affects (effects?) her deeply. i feel as though she is the type of person i need these days.

SWAN is going awesome, apart from the music itself, the dynamic of the five of us as friends is wonderful, we can all hang out and get along and soon go through these wonderful experiences of playing in a band, and i can not wait.

today, an idea struck me. though i love playing guitar in SWAN, i miss playing bass. not necesarily in a band with a set of songs and all that, but jamming, creating music as it goes, not replaying something created once. SO, i am going to attempt to get a bunch of my friends from all over together every wednesday in my basement to make music, on any instrument, of any type, and i hope it will be wonderful. yes, i did make a facebook group for it.

i will walk with pride.

so i just had a talk with my grandmother about high school..

basically it was that i'm having trouble doing my work outside of school, and its a HUGE deal.. and i am going to have to do it tonight, or fail.

as we continued talking, i realized two things; one is that i have two lives: my actual one, and the one which happens five days a week in seven and a half hour increments inside of marion high school, and the other is that i am extremely disheartened by my high school life.

my life outside of high school is wonderful, i have wonderful friends and i am truly happy. i feel like this life that i am leading is making a difference, and that i know i am someone special. i've been through a lot in the past four years, and especially in 2008. i'm so different from the person i was in the fall of 2005 when i started high school, and a lot of people have noticed that and have changed as well in this life.

but in high school, i am treated the same, i feel as though my individuality is stripped away, and i'm just part of a whole. its not a problem with my peers at all, and i have no problems with any student at all. i guess i've grown used to the ridiculousness of my fellow students, and i appreciate it. but the employees there, especially the faculty, don't care. my teachers seem to appreciate me, some more than others, but most care about me, if not for the fact that they don't want me to fail. but the administration, the workers in the main office, the assistant principal's, and hell even mr. kirby, could give a shit less about me. all day everyday, the only interaction between the faculty and students is being told to get to class, no matter who you are or what you are doing or what your goals are in life, it doesn't matter. they treat mostly everyone equally in that sense, but we are treated without respect. i am treated as a stranger by some administrators that i have known, or at least interacted with for the past three and a half years.

frankly, i'm sick of it.. its so hard for me to keep my head up in school, and i find myself never wanting to be there. i've changed so much since i started there, and none of these people care.

its like i came to marion high school and left without leaving an impact, and that's not to say i didn't try.