not much chance for survival..

it felt weird not to be spending time with you last night, i just felt empty.. but its okay, i'm glad you had a fun time last night, and Tulo and i had fun too.  today i'm getting whatever piercing, and i really hope you like it.. if not then i might take it out.. but anyway, i hope to see you later on today!

sit me down, shut me up, i'll calm down, and i'll get along with you...

we played amazingly tonight, looking up and seeing you smiling and dancing in the crowd made my night. i like you.

rehearsed indifference tossed aside,

today was wonderful, i LOVE performing, more than any other action that i can do. the guys and girl from boston were just awesome, though the music was different from what i'm used to, i still really enjoyed it. i feel like we made some friends, and i'm so happy that we finally got to bring anywhere with you the life its long deserved.

today, when you sat next to me on the couch, i got butterflies, and i liked it.. i'm enjoying everyday with you, and i guess just about the biggest judge will be my hairstylist, she ALWAYS knows when someone is right or wrong.

i insist that i'll be dearly missed!

practice today was AWESOME, seriously, the show tomorrow has a lot of potential, and i hope that we all can meet that. today was also the first school day that i haven't spent with skip after school, and needless to say, i felt off center. i really do enjoy our time together, and she comforts me. i'm starting to feel older, i really am. today jazzmin was being lazy and her excuse for it was "we're seniors!" and i know this, but it hit me, i really AM an adult, and i really AM almost done with high school. i'm not scared to move on, i just feel like i should have more time enjoying my youth rather than fretting about it. another shock was the fact that most freshmen were born in 1994. i was four years old at this point, also, i took driver's ed. in august of 2005.. i feel the heartburn and arthritis setting in.

a million miles closer, however far away!

a year ago today, Hindenburg & Mathias ended its life. a year ago tomorrow, i began to smoke cigarettes. its funny how so much time has passed, and how much i've changed. i miss the band, but i would never want to bring it back or anything like that. surprisingly, i haven't much to say on the matter.

today, skip and i went to our first day of yoga, and it was absolutely wonderful, not only was it an awesome physical work out, but also an intense spiritual one, focusing your energy into one place is not something people often do, but it is something great, and i can't wait to continue on with the class.

so many unanswered questions with that girl, i love it though, she told me to go with the flow, and i suppose i can give that a try.. i'm a worrier by nature, and my anxiety problem is at an all time high with this, except for the time i spend with her, which luckily, is a lot. i'm hanging in there.

i saw you run outside, I saw the fruit you ate..

today was tulo's birthday, as well as the first time i've attended church in nearly seven months. it was wonderful, i just kept praying and praying about this situation, i think i have come to peace with it as well, and along with bill's advice, i just have to take things slowly, and don't jump in head first for anything.

oh, and if you haven't heard, FIRS.

you never notice..

today i had a realization about you. i feel like you don't care about anyone but yourself, and you only use people, especially me, for your own benefit. i feel like you don't have any passion, i feel like you are living for today, and not for the future. i hate to sound like i'm holding it against you, but your lack of faith really gets to me, and i think thats why you are so pessimistic about life. i care about you, and you know it. don't let the shallowness and selfishness of others blind the love that some have for you. i wanna talk about this in person, we have a lot of things to talk about.

i always said i could see, so now i'm going blind..

this one's to you, and you know it sweetheart. every day, i look forward to seeing you right before last period, and as i walk down the hallway, approaching you, my body warms. walking with you to my car, having that first cigarette of the out-of-school day, i love it. i feel great, almost privileged to be able to spend so much time with you. i notice the little things, the ring on your left hand which you put just on the edge of the seat. its so close, and i'd love to hold it someday, not soon, but definitely someday. i hate to be a sneak, but i steal looks at you all the time, and moments when our eyes actually meet during those times, i feel up to no good. i love making you smile, your little lips open up and your equally little teeth shine through. i love your freckles, and how they run all up and down your arms, and even around your nose. i was nervous at ballard, to talk to your mother, but what you told me she said about me comforts me greatly. i feel as though we can talk about anything and not pass judgment on each other, having a therapist is a touchy subject for me, i don't want to seem crazy or anything, but you seem to accept that, thank you. i know we don't talk about where this is going, but i'm enjoying the path to it. i'm willing to wait, and i will wait as long as it takes.

i'll be there to comfort you..

..at ALL costs.

i look into the reflection of those eyes, looking back at me

its days like these that i don't take for granted. i think that all too often we take things for granted, and i feel like today, the blessings i have really shone through. playing bass is one of the best things i can do, entertaining people, and in this case, bringing some of my good friends' hard work to life is so rewarding. i started reading blue like jazz today, finally.. and i frankly don't think i had the right mind to really saturate it before now. everything happens for a reason, and it happens at exactly at the time it needs to happen. on the way to rudy's house, we talked about waiting and how the rewards of it are far better than the pain of the waiting itself, and that hit me hard. this uncertainty i have now is great, the lack of concrete knowledge and understanding is something new, and everyday, it becomes clearer and more blurred at the same time.

god is love and love is real... but thats not all..

don't get me wrong, i love to think of my lord as a happy-go-lucky grandfather type who hands out candy and hugs and high fives and is just dandy and just waits to grant forgiveness; but the truth is, there is more to our lord than that. all the time we hear "god is love! he loves you, and is always there for you and will give you forgiveness!" while this is true, i think it leads many people to believe that they can sin and sin and sin again and then be forgiven through their nightly prayers. HOWEVER, there was a time when people were god-fearing, as well as god-loving. i feel as though that has been pushed to the wayside. there is a wrath of god, lest we forget, he HAS brought fire and brimstone, and so many people overlook that. i feel as though god's love has become a copout and a way for sinning to be okay.. i feel there needs to be a conscious effort not to sin not only to just model ourselves after god's love, but to respect our father and 'keep good in the hood,' so to speak.

things are shaping up to be pretty odd.

today, i experienced one of the hardest things that i have ever had to deal with in my life, and that is saying goodbye.. today, micah moved to california, and though i am happy for him.. i will miss him. since the beginning of summer when a surprise text from him led him to live with me for the following two and a half months, micah has become a brother to me. i love him, and everyday without him will be harder. i cried when i had to say goodbye, but i tried to stop as to not look like a wimp in front of skip, but it really didn't matter to me. micah andrew harshaw, you mean the world to me. i will see you soon.

this feeling just keeps repeating, i know its got a hold on me..

essentially, this time of my life comes all too often.. but i lead myself to believe that it is different, and it may just be. usually when this feeling takes over, i end up courting then dating said apple of my eye. never, ever, have i felt this way about such a close friend, its bizarre and probably very awkward, but its true. and after two half-drunken nights which resulted in some of the most level-headed thinking i've had in these 18 years, i think we can be okay with this. i don't want to try to hard, but i can't hold back from trying at all...


more on this later i suppose.