have i been here before?

where have i been with God? since december, my walk with him has more or less come to a complete stop, from that time up until just last saturday, i have smoked more weed and drank more alcohol and been to more parties than i had ever before, and whats even worse.. without a conscience. i have treated everyone i know and care about with hate and coldness, and hurt them in many ways.. i smoke cigarettes now, and whats worse than the fact that i can't stop, is the fact that i don't want to.. before, in the summer i was so close with him, i could feel the fire inside of being uplifted by the holy spirit, and now the best i can do is yearn for that.. i'm not living the life i want to be living.. nothing is as good to me as it was.

i need to get back on the path with the Lord, and i need to turn my life around.. i have stopped the partying, but how short lived will that be? i honestly have no idea.. my life isn't what it should be, but i can't get back on the right path with anything, not just my faith, alone.

i need help, but i am far too prideful to ask anyone for it.. if you can help me, please, please do..

katie

i'm at a loss with this situation... i can't let this friendship go down the drain.."

i wrote those words so, so, so long ago.. i hoped that by now they wouldn't hold true..

things have changed so much since last year... at this time, katie and i had our problems, but were still close, still best friends... and noah and i were on the road to being brothers.. but then all of a sudden, it all wore off. noah has caleb, katie had taylor, and now things are different. i had a hard time accepting this as i was usually the one with the shit end of the stick. not to say i didn't start a lot of crap, and not to say that i didn't do some terrible things in defense too.

i'm just lost... she still has so much hurt from things said long ago, and i don't think she can get over it. i don't know, maybe i get over things too easily.. but this has just stumped me.


i know i'm to blame, but you are too.

here we are, here and now.

today helen arth and i decided to be together.

..imagine if the world could get behind it.. the combined strength would propel us all!

i think i want to leave the country shortly after graduating. i see all these wonderful places in pictures and learn about them in school and i feel like i need to experience them...

...i have my commitments though, college, my family, my band, but then again, in a year in a half who knows how i will feel about those things.. i just feel a need to live life, and make memories worth telling my grandchildren..

religion.

everyday i realize how much more i love the lord and how much more he deserves my praise.

Let Him fall, like the walls of Jericho.
Let the earth shake in me and I'll continue to sing..

And just like that,

I'm crossed out of the picture.

Please excuse me but I got to ask..

..we all have a lot to learn from Thom Yorke.